Body Swap (or Gingham's history on confience)

One side note that I should mention is that in general, I consider myself fairly lucky in the self confidence department.  Even in my worst shape (which was a rather round, somewhat lumpy, fairly squishy one) I've always been at least "ok" with my body.  That's not to say that I don't do absurd things like stand in front of the mirror and pull unwanted masses out of the way to see what I would look like without them (kinda the equivalent of folding your hair up to see what a different cut would look like, or flopping some over your face to simulate bangs..), but one of my friends (amid a fatty-mcfat-fat rant) asked "ok, so who's body would you trade for?"

uhhhhh, what?

"Who's body (anyone, your hot friend with actual abs, celebrity, whoever...) would you trade for?"

Hmm.  At first I made a list of no less than 50 people for the potential body swap, but then I started thinking through it.  Angelina Jolie? I like her legs.. .but I'd miss my boobs and her ribcage looks like a bird.  Scarlett Johansson? I'd love the wasp waist.. but I'd miss my (usually thinish) thighs... My best friend "Jane"? Sure... her stomach is killer.. but again with the no boobs.. I like having boobs (and hips for that matter).

Eventually I came to the realization that I wouldn't trade with anyone, even if they were a supermodel.  I was flabbergasted.  Like, actually stunned that I couldn't think of anyone who I would outright trade bodies with. 

At that moment I realized that although I will always be able to find something on my body that I'd like to tone, or shrink, or (maybe someday) grow.. But all in all, I'd rather be working through my bits, than just given someone else's. 

It was a turning point.  And thankfully it came at a good time. 

(now is an appropriate time to mention that I did actually model in my late high school years, and even lied about my age *gasp* to do runway work for a certain lingerie company...)

Coming home from my freshman fall semester I looked like a truck.  I had gone from a fairly lean frame (modeling) to a significantly different one.  As a collegiate athlete I had been working out hard twice a day for the entire time I was away and put on a pretty strict mostly protein diet.  The result was a crap-ton (that's a metric unit) of muscle, which was mostly good.

However, when my team got knocked out of the playoffs, the two-a-day workouts stopped, the beer (en masse) started and I continued merrily along on my 4,000+ calorie a day diet.  

slow metabolism + beer + sleeping like a sloth + beer + studying + beer - workouts - horses = MASSIVE, MASSIVE body change.  In record time.  like... two weeks.

Basically, I rolled myself across the country to get home for the holidays and thought nothing of the fact that I had all together stopped wearing anything but sweats.  I liked my sweats, they were "casual-chic" and I'm pretty sure I looked hot in them (maybe?).

Cue phone call from modeling agent.  They wanted me to come in for a casting for a new line of athletic wear that needed to be shot outside... in the snow... in a week.  I thought nothing of it, and went in to meet with the designer. Or at least, I thought I was going to meet with the designer.

What happened was I was stopped at the front desk, asked to sit down, then politely asked to leave by my agent due to "body changes."

Now, I acknowledge that I was drunk for the end of that semester, but I swear to GOD I hadn't noticed the fact that I had gained 30+ lbs in about 3 weeks.  I was literally horrified at what this woman was saying to me.  She went on to explain that she didn't need me anymore unless I dropped the 30+, and maybe an additional 5 (the muscle was apparently.. not great for marketing).

A year earlier, and I would have a) cried, b) cried more, then c) not eaten for a few weeks and gotten back to normal.

But, like I said, it was good enough timing that I basically said "oh, ok, that's great.... BYE" and left.

I never picked up another phone call from her again, and I've never returned to modeling.  I did drop most of that weight (over the next 4 years) but I haven't (and have no desire) to look like I did when I was "runway" and totally confident strutting around in hardly anything in front of people with cameras.

My goals are different now, and include things like "don't eat entire jars of peanut butter at once, no matter how delicious they are."   I ignore the scale (mostly) because my level of muscle fluctuates so much and I've been happier with my shape at 155 than I have with it at 140.  Which is weird, but has finally reinforced the idea of "good weight" versus "bad weight."

So... that's a little background on me.  And why I've been trying to think of some goals.  a 10k would be some sort of DREAM.  I hate running, despise it with a passion.. so training for something like that sounds awful.  But I do like things along the lines of "20 push ups in a row.. not on my knees" and "stop eating jars of peanut butter"

So I'll do some more thinking before I commit, but I'll get there.